HO HO HO NO NO NO

Santa Claus - AKA Saint Nick - AKA Jolly Old Elf - AKA Father Christmas is wanted for multiple crimes. First and foremost he has broken into millions of homes over the past few years. For each breaking and entering offense, Santa faces up to fifteen years in prison. The sentences could be served consecutively, meaning that Santa could end up serving more than 1.5 billion years in prison if sentenced to the maximum penalty. Many states have harsher breaking and entering penalties if the crime occurs at night, which could further extend Santa's time in prison.
As Santa’s attorney, I’m hopeful that the judge will show leniency toward Mr. Clause. A best case scenario would involve several million of the breaking and entering charges being dropped. Mr. Claus would be allowed to plea to three counts to run concurrently. He would also be allowed to request and to apply for probation.
It is my belief that Santa Clause entered these homes with only good intentions. My client has never forced his way into the homes. He has never caused any damage to the homes, and never took anything other than milk and cookies. He has actually left things of value in most of the homes he has entered. Although some home owners do want him prosecuted for criminal littering as it appears that he has left lumps of coal and switches in some of the dwellings.
Mr. Claus is also charged with stalking and has admitted to knowing who is being naughty and who is being nice. By this admission it can be proved that he has had unlawful surveillance of several million people.
It appears that he has been raising livestock without proper inspection. Also a reindeer is not a domesticated animal and should not be allowed to cross state lines without the proper vaccinations, Coggins test and veterinarian certification. Mr. Claus could be spreading parasites throughout the country and bringing in unwanted vegetation. Some believe this is how kudzu gained a stronghold here in the south.
The authorities at the North Pole are wanting to question Mr. Claus about the alleged sweat shop that he operates there. It seems that he forces little people to work for him for wages far below average. He also denies them time off for meals and breaks that the union has guaranteed.
The prosecution has argued against any special treatment for Santa stating that a crime is a crime. The officials are firm in their belief that no special treatment should be given to Mr. Clause just because he is famous. Some people believe that the punishment should be the same for everyone, no matter who they happen to be. It has been said that Santa should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
There are several other countries wishing to bring charges against Santa Clause and have requested his extradition. So in the future Mr. Claus may not be saying ho ho ho. He may only state not guilty.